What do I stand for?
I stand for The Happy Life Project, and all the great possibilities that it offers to people who can see, or envision, those possibilities.
I stand for the Unicity Opportunity, and its powers to Make Life Better for people all over the world.
I stand for the Unipower system for success - a system that levels the playing field, and enables people regardless of their prior capabilities and socio-economic background, to get any extraordinary results that they can freely set their minds and hearts on.
I stand for the great possibilities that I see for myself and my family - the result, the success, and the lifestyle of a Diamond-rank distributor, to be achieved before the September 2012 Korea Global Leadership Summit.
I stand for the Possibilities and the Success of everybody who choose to succeed in life through The Happy Life Project.
I am the Source and the Cause of all that matters in my life, everything that I wish to create in the days, the months and the years ahead.
I choose to be Responsible, 100%, for everything that happens, and everything that doesn't happen. I give up having anybody, anything or any circumstances to blame, whatever happens.
I am powerful, as the empowered, as well as the empowerer.
I am a Go Giver. I choose to be one, and I claim the results and possibilities of the Laws of Stratospheric Success. That means, I give great value in every human encounter - much more than I expect in payment; I serve many across many territories in our borderless world; I deeply care for others and focus on what really matters to them; I contribute the best of myself, my authentic self, in every situation; and I am ever ready to receive even as I give whatever I can.
In my pursuit of success in life, I acknowledge that I already enjoy the abundance and blessings of God, my Lord, Jesus Christ. I also acknowledge the leverage power of the 4 Partners - Unicity the Make Life Better Company, Unipower the people-enabling system, the Unipower Team, and myself. God and the 4 Partners make the Big Game, light work.
I am Lim Eng Hai, and these are what I stand for. What about you????
Showing posts with label Speaking n Listening. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Speaking n Listening. Show all posts
Monday, March 12, 2012
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Your Stepping Stones to Success: Walk on them
Ever so often in our business of sharing a great idea and many great possibilities for people, we get a "No" for a response. Recently, I received a SMS from a long-time business associate, who said: "I just got 2 No's today. Disappointed. Sigh."
My immediate response was to reply: "Congratulations".
Lest she think I am cavalier about her feelings, I later explained by email, "Why sigh with disappointment (when you get a few No's) when you can smile with anticipation?" Surely, we got to work through the No's to get to the "Yes". And if we don't get enough No's, we won't get to the "Yes"!
Experience confirms that we will get more No's than we will get "Yes". Why is that so? Well, that's life! Isn't that our growing up experience? Isn't that our children's growing up experience? I say, it's easier for us to just accept it, and work with it, than to ask, Why Why Why.
Let's not get emotional with every "No" that we get. A No is just that - a No. It's not even what many tend to call a "rejection" - an emotionally-laden interpretation of a simple two-letter word.
OK OK, if you must have any emotion, try being excited! Why? Because every "No" does indeed bring us closer to the "Yes".
So, come on, straighten up your back and shoulders. Steady yourself. Put that beautiful (or handsome) smile back on your face. Go all out again and again to get as many No's as you can get because you know, that simply brings you the next Yes and another Yes and another Yes ..
Hey, the No's are but the Stepping Stones to Success. See that photo at the top, of a favourite poster of mine that I stick behind the door of a wardrobe in my son's bedroom. I want him to grow up knowing that.
"Don't Quit", it says. "Every obstacle is a stepping to success."
So, if success in life and whatever you do is what you want, do yourself this favour: Walk boldly .. on the stepping stones to your success!
I wish you every success that you deserve.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
The Greatest of All Life Skills
If you were asked to identify the Greatest of All Life Skills, the one thing that will help get you whatever you want in life, and give you happiness in your interactions with family, friends and other people, what would you pick?
Imagination? Visualization? Learning? Teaching & Coaching? Parenting? Making Things? Selling? Communication? Public Speaking? Having Empathy (EQ) for people? Caring & Sharing?
What's your pick? Is it something else? If so, what is it?
I pick Listening, which is to be distinguished from Communication. Aren't they the same thing, some may ask. No, because communication involves not just listening but speaking too. Listening is only a part of communication, though a very important part, without which there can be no meaningful communication. Without listening, I'd suggest, we also cannot do well many of the other things listed above e.g. parenting, caring & sharing, teaching & coaching, selling.
I sat in a workshop recently where some very wise and successful people shared this simple idea that all communication must have 3 components: the transmitter, the message and the receiver.
We need the transmitter to send out the message and the receiver to get it. There's never a lack of messages to send or receive in our information-rich world. Of the other two components, guess which one is under-developed or under-used: Transmitter? Or receiver? (Answer: Receiver!)
When thinking of the receiver, let's think of how the dial of a receiver is often not turned on full, or perhaps sometimes, not turned on at all, whereas the transmitter is often at work all the time, seemingly over-time. I often think about why we are created with one mouth and two ears but too often act like we were created otherwise? ;)
When I pick Listening, I don't mean listening as we habitually and carelessly practise it, but really listening i.e. listening with our heart, listening without jumping to conclusions, listening without passing judgment, listening without subjecting the message to personal processing and interpretation. Look at listening with heart this way: We let the message we receive enter our ears, go through our brains, and then sink into our heart and let it stay there. You can call that, taking the message to heart.
But how do we normally listen? The message enters one ear and we let it slip out of the other. Or we let the message enter one ear, subject it to a screening or interpretive process, and then register a message quite different from the original message!
If we could listen better, we would understand each other better. If we could understand better, we can relate to people better and connect more effectively.
In any session on life skills, how much of the time do you think we should train and workshop on the art of listening and how much time on public speaking? (I'd love to know what you think.)
By my reckoning, and you may or may not agree, the Art of Public Speaking is passe and over-rated. In contrast, the Art & Science of Listening is little appreciated, often neglected, yet holds the more important key to effective relationships at work and at home and happier, more productive communications and conversations in forums big and small, from the coffee shops to the United Nations.
If we would just learn to listen better, I believe, we can conceivably eliminate petty fights, socially costly misunderstandings, and big, destructive wars. If we'd just listen well, we'll inevitably learn to appreciate each other better, realize how similar people are, regardless of ethnic, religious, intellectual or socio-economic backgrounds, and then learn to accept and even love each other. What do you think?
One of Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People exhorts us to "Seek first to understand, then only to be understood". How are we to understand, and then be understood, if we do not first listen well?
Motivational guru Zig Ziglar says help people get whatever they want and you will get whatever you want. But how would we know what people want, let alone help them get it, if we do not first listen and find out?
Can someone think of another life skill more powerful than Listening? This is not a rhetorical question that seeks to hammer home a point, caring not for an answer. It is a listening question that seeks out a considered response. Why? Because, I think, that whatever stands above or close to Listening as the Ultimate Living Skill, we better get really good at that one too.
Happy Listening - everyday, everywhere!
Imagination? Visualization? Learning? Teaching & Coaching? Parenting? Making Things? Selling? Communication? Public Speaking? Having Empathy (EQ) for people? Caring & Sharing?
What's your pick? Is it something else? If so, what is it?
I pick Listening, which is to be distinguished from Communication. Aren't they the same thing, some may ask. No, because communication involves not just listening but speaking too. Listening is only a part of communication, though a very important part, without which there can be no meaningful communication. Without listening, I'd suggest, we also cannot do well many of the other things listed above e.g. parenting, caring & sharing, teaching & coaching, selling.
I sat in a workshop recently where some very wise and successful people shared this simple idea that all communication must have 3 components: the transmitter, the message and the receiver.
We need the transmitter to send out the message and the receiver to get it. There's never a lack of messages to send or receive in our information-rich world. Of the other two components, guess which one is under-developed or under-used: Transmitter? Or receiver? (Answer: Receiver!)
When thinking of the receiver, let's think of how the dial of a receiver is often not turned on full, or perhaps sometimes, not turned on at all, whereas the transmitter is often at work all the time, seemingly over-time. I often think about why we are created with one mouth and two ears but too often act like we were created otherwise? ;)
When I pick Listening, I don't mean listening as we habitually and carelessly practise it, but really listening i.e. listening with our heart, listening without jumping to conclusions, listening without passing judgment, listening without subjecting the message to personal processing and interpretation. Look at listening with heart this way: We let the message we receive enter our ears, go through our brains, and then sink into our heart and let it stay there. You can call that, taking the message to heart.
But how do we normally listen? The message enters one ear and we let it slip out of the other. Or we let the message enter one ear, subject it to a screening or interpretive process, and then register a message quite different from the original message!
If we could listen better, we would understand each other better. If we could understand better, we can relate to people better and connect more effectively.
In any session on life skills, how much of the time do you think we should train and workshop on the art of listening and how much time on public speaking? (I'd love to know what you think.)
By my reckoning, and you may or may not agree, the Art of Public Speaking is passe and over-rated. In contrast, the Art & Science of Listening is little appreciated, often neglected, yet holds the more important key to effective relationships at work and at home and happier, more productive communications and conversations in forums big and small, from the coffee shops to the United Nations.
If we would just learn to listen better, I believe, we can conceivably eliminate petty fights, socially costly misunderstandings, and big, destructive wars. If we'd just listen well, we'll inevitably learn to appreciate each other better, realize how similar people are, regardless of ethnic, religious, intellectual or socio-economic backgrounds, and then learn to accept and even love each other. What do you think?
One of Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People exhorts us to "Seek first to understand, then only to be understood". How are we to understand, and then be understood, if we do not first listen well?
Motivational guru Zig Ziglar says help people get whatever they want and you will get whatever you want. But how would we know what people want, let alone help them get it, if we do not first listen and find out?
Can someone think of another life skill more powerful than Listening? This is not a rhetorical question that seeks to hammer home a point, caring not for an answer. It is a listening question that seeks out a considered response. Why? Because, I think, that whatever stands above or close to Listening as the Ultimate Living Skill, we better get really good at that one too.
Happy Listening - everyday, everywhere!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Lord, thanks for the powerful winds of change!
Happily, I'd like to continue the blogpost of March 13.
I am glad I learnt from God's Eagle - not to be afraid of adversity or challenges, nor to flee from them, but instead, to position myself to take them on, and harness the power of the winds of change to soar higher than ever before.
The challengers turn out to be friends sent by God(see the picture), with signs to make sure we do not doubt that, and the enemies and detractors were forced by divine circumstances to be come friends and willing co-workers, lending their numbers and energies to lift us all higher.
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! God is truly GREAT!!
Friends, I've never enjoyed as much effortless success as I have since March 19th - the day things all turned around in my favour, from what seemed like a low point to a series of high points in our business development efforts. This is only the beginning of a new beginning ......
Monday, February 09, 2009
The Art of Socializing 101
At last night’s Monday Night Seminar, a Skills Workshop led by Unicity Director Kelly Lim, we covered the topic “Prospecting: Socializing, Asking Questions & Listening, Getting the Sale”.
Kelly started by inviting participants to rate themselves on a scale of 1 to 10 how good we think we are in socializing. A handout was provided for that. After that, for those of us who rated ourselves less than 10, be it 4, 5 or 8, we were asked to list down in the space provided what we think we need to know or get good at to become a 10.
Going around the room, we obtained the following responses.
How do I create these social settings/events? How do I break the ice? How do I be comfortable at social events like a cocktail? How do I socialize with quiet, boring people? How do I draw people to me? How do I approach people without looking like you have a hidden agenda? How to break into a group that is already engaged in a conversation?
We didn’t get around to all the questions, but we got to most of them, directly or indirectly. Please find below the Q&A, based on last night's workshop, with my own additional contributions to the topic.
++++++++++++++++
Q1: How do I create these social settings/events?
A: Why create your own when you can leverage on events organized by others? Start by riding on events created by others, and readily accepting invitations to socials.
Q2: How do I break the ice?
A: Look around the room. If someone smiles at you - and there is bound to be such people, smile back, walk up to extend a hand, and say Hi. Introduce yourself by name, ask the other party for his or her name, and then move quickly to ask, "What do you do?". Then, stay on the subject - the other person and what he does, and go with the flow. Be ready to offer, in exchange and to ensure a two-way conversation, information on yourself. You are likely to be exchanging name cards very quickly. When doing so, resist the desire to make any pitch. That can come later, after the function. Focus on the other party, and what his/her name card says he/she does.
Q3: I find myself feeling comfortable at certain social events like a cocktail? How do I be comfortable?
A: It is important that we first be comfortable with ourselves – who we are, what we do, what we represent. Worry not about what people might think of us, or how smart (or dumb) we may sound with what we say. Be yourself i.e. be self-assured; not self-conscious. Focus on getting to know people, forget about thinking about what others may think of us. Let the conversations (and unspoken thoughts) not be about us; let it be about "them".
Q4: How do I socialize with quiet, boring people?
A: First, get this straight: Nobody, NOBODY, is ever boring - even less so, those who, like you, make it to a social function. Instead of focusing on yourself, being self-conscious, concentrate on looking out for someone who may be standing in a corner - alone, maybe feeling awkward. Befriend him/her. Say hello, introduce yourself and ask for his/her name in the same breath, then find out what he/she does for a living. From there, again, go with the flow. Who knows, he or she may be so grateful you made the move and help him/her be comfortable.
Q5: How do I draw people to me?
A: Be comfortable, relaxed and friendly; and be ready to be engaged in a conversation, focused on others. Self-assured people attract others; socially-awkward people turn others off.
Q6: How to approach people without looking like you have a hidden agenda?
A: Kelly had a good advice on this. The best way to never be perceived to have a hidden agenda is to not to hide your agenda in the first place!!! Be open about what you are and what you represent; be ready to give out your business cards. Just be careful not to focus on telling people about your card, but on getting them to talk about theirs.
Q7: How to break into a group that is already engaged in a conversation?
A: Do what confident, self-assured people do. Walk right up to the crowd, and say, "Hi, may I please join in?" Then, focus not on drawing attention to yourself or your opinion, but on listening in closely to others. If you must speak, ask "please tell me more"questions.
++++++++++++
As I followed the workshop discussion, last night, I was struck by how the questions and concerns revolved very much around the "Doing" - the “what to do”, and the “how to do”. I thought, How true it is that our Doing will be fine if we first get our "Being" right.
Think about this (and I am borrowing from and paraphrasing my Pastor): The right being will lead to the right doing. (My Pastor says, “The right believing begets the right living.”)
People who feel uncomfortable in social settings or who are socially awkward tend to be self-pre-occupied, overly concerned with what people think of them, what they do and what they represent. They are concerned about whether they are doing or saying the right things, thinking others are standing around and watching, ever ready to pass judgement. That is being self-preoccupied, self-conscious, self-focused.
In a few after-meeting conversations, I floated the idea of our only having to be self-assured, and to be so before we enter into a social setting.
For example, let's be sure that we are comfortable with
1) what we are (e.g. business people building up a personal franchise);
2) what we do (e.g. we sell products or opportunity; we serve customers; we recruit people to do the same and train and support them);
3) what we represent (the Bios Life Slim opportunity, and the best of MLM).
As we enter into a social setting, and engage people in conversations, we should be self-assured enough to let people know who we are by passing out our name cards and very briefly introducing ourselves (don't be shy about that), and then, move on to focus on others - getting hold of their name cards, studying those name cards as we hold them in our hands, asking questions to get to know them and find out about what they do.
Try these ideas the next time you venture into a social function. Keep the focus on others, not yourself, and let's see what happens.
Kelly started by inviting participants to rate themselves on a scale of 1 to 10 how good we think we are in socializing. A handout was provided for that. After that, for those of us who rated ourselves less than 10, be it 4, 5 or 8, we were asked to list down in the space provided what we think we need to know or get good at to become a 10.
Going around the room, we obtained the following responses.
How do I create these social settings/events? How do I break the ice? How do I be comfortable at social events like a cocktail? How do I socialize with quiet, boring people? How do I draw people to me? How do I approach people without looking like you have a hidden agenda? How to break into a group that is already engaged in a conversation?
We didn’t get around to all the questions, but we got to most of them, directly or indirectly. Please find below the Q&A, based on last night's workshop, with my own additional contributions to the topic.
++++++++++++++++
Q1: How do I create these social settings/events?
A: Why create your own when you can leverage on events organized by others? Start by riding on events created by others, and readily accepting invitations to socials.
Q2: How do I break the ice?
A: Look around the room. If someone smiles at you - and there is bound to be such people, smile back, walk up to extend a hand, and say Hi. Introduce yourself by name, ask the other party for his or her name, and then move quickly to ask, "What do you do?". Then, stay on the subject - the other person and what he does, and go with the flow. Be ready to offer, in exchange and to ensure a two-way conversation, information on yourself. You are likely to be exchanging name cards very quickly. When doing so, resist the desire to make any pitch. That can come later, after the function. Focus on the other party, and what his/her name card says he/she does.
Q3: I find myself feeling comfortable at certain social events like a cocktail? How do I be comfortable?
A: It is important that we first be comfortable with ourselves – who we are, what we do, what we represent. Worry not about what people might think of us, or how smart (or dumb) we may sound with what we say. Be yourself i.e. be self-assured; not self-conscious. Focus on getting to know people, forget about thinking about what others may think of us. Let the conversations (and unspoken thoughts) not be about us; let it be about "them".
Q4: How do I socialize with quiet, boring people?
A: First, get this straight: Nobody, NOBODY, is ever boring - even less so, those who, like you, make it to a social function. Instead of focusing on yourself, being self-conscious, concentrate on looking out for someone who may be standing in a corner - alone, maybe feeling awkward. Befriend him/her. Say hello, introduce yourself and ask for his/her name in the same breath, then find out what he/she does for a living. From there, again, go with the flow. Who knows, he or she may be so grateful you made the move and help him/her be comfortable.
Q5: How do I draw people to me?
A: Be comfortable, relaxed and friendly; and be ready to be engaged in a conversation, focused on others. Self-assured people attract others; socially-awkward people turn others off.
Q6: How to approach people without looking like you have a hidden agenda?
A: Kelly had a good advice on this. The best way to never be perceived to have a hidden agenda is to not to hide your agenda in the first place!!! Be open about what you are and what you represent; be ready to give out your business cards. Just be careful not to focus on telling people about your card, but on getting them to talk about theirs.
Q7: How to break into a group that is already engaged in a conversation?
A: Do what confident, self-assured people do. Walk right up to the crowd, and say, "Hi, may I please join in?" Then, focus not on drawing attention to yourself or your opinion, but on listening in closely to others. If you must speak, ask "please tell me more"questions.
++++++++++++
As I followed the workshop discussion, last night, I was struck by how the questions and concerns revolved very much around the "Doing" - the “what to do”, and the “how to do”. I thought, How true it is that our Doing will be fine if we first get our "Being" right.
Think about this (and I am borrowing from and paraphrasing my Pastor): The right being will lead to the right doing. (My Pastor says, “The right believing begets the right living.”)
People who feel uncomfortable in social settings or who are socially awkward tend to be self-pre-occupied, overly concerned with what people think of them, what they do and what they represent. They are concerned about whether they are doing or saying the right things, thinking others are standing around and watching, ever ready to pass judgement. That is being self-preoccupied, self-conscious, self-focused.
In a few after-meeting conversations, I floated the idea of our only having to be self-assured, and to be so before we enter into a social setting.
For example, let's be sure that we are comfortable with
1) what we are (e.g. business people building up a personal franchise);
2) what we do (e.g. we sell products or opportunity; we serve customers; we recruit people to do the same and train and support them);
3) what we represent (the Bios Life Slim opportunity, and the best of MLM).
As we enter into a social setting, and engage people in conversations, we should be self-assured enough to let people know who we are by passing out our name cards and very briefly introducing ourselves (don't be shy about that), and then, move on to focus on others - getting hold of their name cards, studying those name cards as we hold them in our hands, asking questions to get to know them and find out about what they do.
Try these ideas the next time you venture into a social function. Keep the focus on others, not yourself, and let's see what happens.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Selling can lose you friends???
At our "Keys to Success, Wealth & More Friends" seminar on June 15, workshop leader Kelly Lim guided the attendees to focus on two questions - basically, two sides of the same issue.
Q1. Why do people think and say selling can cause you to lose friends?
Q2. How would (or should) you do it such that you won't lose friends and instead make friends?
Going around the room, we got the following responses to Q1:
#1: I do seem to scare away my friends and I don't even know why ... some people tell me I ask too many questions.
#2: Hard selling, or forcing a sale of a product on friends, is what will lose you friends. Worse, if you are selling what you don't even believe in!
#3: You will lose friends if you are persistent in the wrong way - keep asking people to buy products from you even when they have said "no".
In the discussion that followed, a leader who was concerned that Q1 was even discussed at all, said: If you keep losing friends in the course of prospecting, examine your ways of selling. But do not be too hard on yourself. Sometimes, it is not your selling that is at fault. It is that the prospect is not good enough. There is such a thing as a "Prospect from Hell". We have come across one or two over the years ;)
As the discussion went around the room, with contributions from people of various levels of experience, we quickly established the following consensus response to Q2:
1. When going into a conversation with any prospect, it is important that we go in with the objective of wanting to get to know the person better, not going for a sale. In getting to know a person, we're really looking out or listening up for a fit - a good fit between the prospect's needs and what we can offer. Where a fit cannot be found, we must simply let go.
2. Think Relationship Marketing, another name for Network Marketing. Relationships must come before the Marketing. Establish a relationship first - ideally, a relationship built on trust. If people trust you, they're more likely to buy what you recommend.
3. Building relationship does not necessarily take a long time or many conversations and follow-up meetings. We can establish a rapport quickly - even within three minutes - if we would just be sincerely interested in people and their interests or concerns. Focus on people, and what they want; not on ourselves and what we may want out of them. If we do that, and if the prospect is right for us, we will have the opportunity to share the products and/or the opportunity within one conversation.
So, "selling" in itself is not a bad thing. It is how you do it.
Q1. Why do people think and say selling can cause you to lose friends?
Q2. How would (or should) you do it such that you won't lose friends and instead make friends?
Going around the room, we got the following responses to Q1:
#1: I do seem to scare away my friends and I don't even know why ... some people tell me I ask too many questions.
#2: Hard selling, or forcing a sale of a product on friends, is what will lose you friends. Worse, if you are selling what you don't even believe in!
#3: You will lose friends if you are persistent in the wrong way - keep asking people to buy products from you even when they have said "no".
In the discussion that followed, a leader who was concerned that Q1 was even discussed at all, said: If you keep losing friends in the course of prospecting, examine your ways of selling. But do not be too hard on yourself. Sometimes, it is not your selling that is at fault. It is that the prospect is not good enough. There is such a thing as a "Prospect from Hell". We have come across one or two over the years ;)
As the discussion went around the room, with contributions from people of various levels of experience, we quickly established the following consensus response to Q2:
1. When going into a conversation with any prospect, it is important that we go in with the objective of wanting to get to know the person better, not going for a sale. In getting to know a person, we're really looking out or listening up for a fit - a good fit between the prospect's needs and what we can offer. Where a fit cannot be found, we must simply let go.
2. Think Relationship Marketing, another name for Network Marketing. Relationships must come before the Marketing. Establish a relationship first - ideally, a relationship built on trust. If people trust you, they're more likely to buy what you recommend.
3. Building relationship does not necessarily take a long time or many conversations and follow-up meetings. We can establish a rapport quickly - even within three minutes - if we would just be sincerely interested in people and their interests or concerns. Focus on people, and what they want; not on ourselves and what we may want out of them. If we do that, and if the prospect is right for us, we will have the opportunity to share the products and/or the opportunity within one conversation.
So, "selling" in itself is not a bad thing. It is how you do it.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
"Listen with Grace, without judgment"
At my weekly coaching session today, I received a powerful lesson that is useful for every day living, from my Coach, delivered through his anointed servant, Pastor Joseph Prince of New Creation Church. I believe you'll find this lesson in listening as useful as I do, be it for the purpose of parenting or for supervising people whom we are responsible for or mentoring our students or apprentices.
The good pastor said that while we may preach and believe in Grace, we may sometimes (or even often) fall short of practising what we preach when dealing with people in our inner circle.
Do we as parents of our children, or seniors/supervisors of our staff, or a leader of our people sometimes lapse into offering advice, offering a way out of a problem, sermonising, lecturing or preaching? When all we needed to do, and should do, was to "listen with Grace and without judgment".
When dealing with children, do we tend to be too quick to advise on the do's and dont's when presented with a problem. Worse, do we try to minimize the emotional hurt or physical pain that they may be going through, in the misguided belief that making light of what they're going through help them overcome a stressful situation.
Why not just listen? And listen with not just ears but also eyes. Yes, look at them, make eye contact, when they're trying to tell you something (good or bad) that's happened to them during the day - don't listen with eyes transfixed on your work or the TV!
Empathize. Don't just know what they feel; feel what they feel. Feel with them what they're feeling. Accept their feelings - do not deny them their feelings e.g. by saying "Oh, you shouldn't feel this way" or "Oh, don't cry. It's not that bad."
Sufferings, pains or hurts of childhood are part and parcel of all that build up character. Do not rob your children of the learning experience by being too quick to go to their rescue or advise them what to do about it. Let the child figure things out; work out what they ought to do about their situations. When we help the children to feel right, we can be confident that they will behave right.
Another area where we should learn to act with Grace is when we're dealing with a misunderstanding. What do we do when there is a misunderstanding and someone gets angry and speak to us out of that anger?
If someone curses you, and you curse them back, there is no grace in that. If someone curses you, and you bless them instead; that's grace! If we were to give back what we think people deserve, that grieves the Holy Spirit. Why not respond by offering undeserved favour? That's Grace defined!
Relevant biblical verses
Ephesians 4:23-32
And be renewed in the spirit of your mind;
And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.
Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.
Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down on your wrath.
Neither give place to the devil.
Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth.
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister to the hearers.
And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
Let's Be Blessed by His Word!
The good pastor said that while we may preach and believe in Grace, we may sometimes (or even often) fall short of practising what we preach when dealing with people in our inner circle.
Do we as parents of our children, or seniors/supervisors of our staff, or a leader of our people sometimes lapse into offering advice, offering a way out of a problem, sermonising, lecturing or preaching? When all we needed to do, and should do, was to "listen with Grace and without judgment".
When dealing with children, do we tend to be too quick to advise on the do's and dont's when presented with a problem. Worse, do we try to minimize the emotional hurt or physical pain that they may be going through, in the misguided belief that making light of what they're going through help them overcome a stressful situation.
Why not just listen? And listen with not just ears but also eyes. Yes, look at them, make eye contact, when they're trying to tell you something (good or bad) that's happened to them during the day - don't listen with eyes transfixed on your work or the TV!
Empathize. Don't just know what they feel; feel what they feel. Feel with them what they're feeling. Accept their feelings - do not deny them their feelings e.g. by saying "Oh, you shouldn't feel this way" or "Oh, don't cry. It's not that bad."
Sufferings, pains or hurts of childhood are part and parcel of all that build up character. Do not rob your children of the learning experience by being too quick to go to their rescue or advise them what to do about it. Let the child figure things out; work out what they ought to do about their situations. When we help the children to feel right, we can be confident that they will behave right.
Another area where we should learn to act with Grace is when we're dealing with a misunderstanding. What do we do when there is a misunderstanding and someone gets angry and speak to us out of that anger?
If someone curses you, and you curse them back, there is no grace in that. If someone curses you, and you bless them instead; that's grace! If we were to give back what we think people deserve, that grieves the Holy Spirit. Why not respond by offering undeserved favour? That's Grace defined!
Relevant biblical verses
Ephesians 4:23-32
And be renewed in the spirit of your mind;
And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.
Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.
Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down on your wrath.
Neither give place to the devil.
Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth.
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister to the hearers.
And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
Let's Be Blessed by His Word!
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
S$300,000 to learn to "listen well"!
I read in The Straits Times on Tuesday, July 24th, that 46 UBS wealth management trainees are in Singapore to attend a one-year, S$300,000 course on how to be a very good listener - one of the key attributes of a successful private banker.
This select bunch were handpicked from a massive field of 2,800 applicants. They include a former top-ranked Hongkong professional tennis player, a programme manager with the World Economic Forum in Geneva and a super-geek from Singapore, who gave up a S$150,000 a year job developing electronic payment systems to join the programme.
As part of their training, they will receive both classroom and on-the-job training in empathy (YES, EMPATHY), product knowledge and leadership skills in financial hubs such as Singapore and Switzerland. The cost of the course, fully paid by UBS, covers trainees' salaries accomodation, travel expenses and course fees.
According to UBS global wealth management chairman Raoul Weil, who was in Singapore to meet the trainees, successful private bankers must have both "a high emotional quotient (EQ) to relate effectively to the client and the IQ to offer him the best investment options".
The news article was headlined: Want to be a successful private banker? Listen well ..."
My guess is that if you want to be a successful anything, we need to listen well :)
So, it's great that bankers and businesses are picking up on this, and investing in it.
One of these days, some of us are going to make a lot of money simply teaching people how to listen well. Indeed, some of us already are, although indirectly ;)
This select bunch were handpicked from a massive field of 2,800 applicants. They include a former top-ranked Hongkong professional tennis player, a programme manager with the World Economic Forum in Geneva and a super-geek from Singapore, who gave up a S$150,000 a year job developing electronic payment systems to join the programme.
As part of their training, they will receive both classroom and on-the-job training in empathy (YES, EMPATHY), product knowledge and leadership skills in financial hubs such as Singapore and Switzerland. The cost of the course, fully paid by UBS, covers trainees' salaries accomodation, travel expenses and course fees.
According to UBS global wealth management chairman Raoul Weil, who was in Singapore to meet the trainees, successful private bankers must have both "a high emotional quotient (EQ) to relate effectively to the client and the IQ to offer him the best investment options".
The news article was headlined: Want to be a successful private banker? Listen well ..."
My guess is that if you want to be a successful anything, we need to listen well :)
So, it's great that bankers and businesses are picking up on this, and investing in it.
One of these days, some of us are going to make a lot of money simply teaching people how to listen well. Indeed, some of us already are, although indirectly ;)
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Hello! Who's listening?
Yesterday, in a private coaching session with an apprentice on how to become exceptionally popular and make friends in a social setting, we reviewed a common scenario.
Imagine five friends catching up socially over a coffee. A few have known each other for some time; the others more recently acquianted and inducted into the informal get-together.
Someone starts talking about a pet peeve. He barely finishes what he wants to say. Someone else jumps in with his take on the same subject, believing that he is contributing to the conversation and staying with the flow. Then, another jumps in with her own story. Now, we have three excited people trying to talk at the same time.
The other two, being relatively new to the group or not so adept at speaking up or breaking into an animated conversation, couldn't get a word in. They drift away, find companionship in each other's sense of not quite fitting in, and enter into their own little chat.
Hello, who's listening?
The party ends later and everyone goes home, with dry throats and hollowed hearts.
Now, what if one of the two left out of the conversation, instead of drifting away, listens in closely? He makes a connection with one of the talkers and what he's trying to say. He realizes that there is an interesting story that was unfinished because it was interrupted. So, he speaks up, saying, "Excuse me, just now, what you said about ...., I find that so interesting. Can you please tell me more about that?"
The guy with the unfinished story beams, pleasantly surprised someone was actually listening in to what he had to say, and even wanted to hear the rest of his story. So, he continues with his interrupted story. Now, the polite and interested listener gets the others listening in too.
Do you think this party will end differently?
Do you think there will be at least one person in the party who felt really listened to? And do you think someone in the party of five will leave a good impression of himself on the others and possibly win for himself a deeper bond or friendship than before the evening started out?
The moral of the story? In this world where speaking is over-rated and listening is under-appreciated, it doesn't take much to make a difference and to leave a mark. Let's not worry about speaking up or speaking well so as to impress for the moment. Instead, why not focus on listening well so as to leave a more lasting and favourable impression?
Imagine five friends catching up socially over a coffee. A few have known each other for some time; the others more recently acquianted and inducted into the informal get-together.
Someone starts talking about a pet peeve. He barely finishes what he wants to say. Someone else jumps in with his take on the same subject, believing that he is contributing to the conversation and staying with the flow. Then, another jumps in with her own story. Now, we have three excited people trying to talk at the same time.
The other two, being relatively new to the group or not so adept at speaking up or breaking into an animated conversation, couldn't get a word in. They drift away, find companionship in each other's sense of not quite fitting in, and enter into their own little chat.
Hello, who's listening?
The party ends later and everyone goes home, with dry throats and hollowed hearts.
Now, what if one of the two left out of the conversation, instead of drifting away, listens in closely? He makes a connection with one of the talkers and what he's trying to say. He realizes that there is an interesting story that was unfinished because it was interrupted. So, he speaks up, saying, "Excuse me, just now, what you said about ...., I find that so interesting. Can you please tell me more about that?"
The guy with the unfinished story beams, pleasantly surprised someone was actually listening in to what he had to say, and even wanted to hear the rest of his story. So, he continues with his interrupted story. Now, the polite and interested listener gets the others listening in too.
Do you think this party will end differently?
Do you think there will be at least one person in the party who felt really listened to? And do you think someone in the party of five will leave a good impression of himself on the others and possibly win for himself a deeper bond or friendship than before the evening started out?
The moral of the story? In this world where speaking is over-rated and listening is under-appreciated, it doesn't take much to make a difference and to leave a mark. Let's not worry about speaking up or speaking well so as to impress for the moment. Instead, why not focus on listening well so as to leave a more lasting and favourable impression?
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Why not two mouths one ear
Because we're already bad enough in our communications skills with one mouth and two ears :)
(ok, ok, this may not apply to you. Let's just say I'm speaking in general, about the majority of people. So, don't shut down on me just yet.)
Thinking generally, don't we tend to use our mouths to speak a lot more than we use our ears to listen?
You must have heard the rather common and frequent admonition, "Why do you think we have two ears and one mouth?"
Well, if only we'd listen more and speak less ...
There'd be a lot less misunderstanding among people and nations and a lot more understanding. Now, hang on ... do you realized that we often speak of misunderstanding at work, among friends, at home. How often do we speak of "understanding" at work, at home or at play?
A lot of this lack of listening, relative to speaking, has to do with society, our conditioning and education. Almost all of us are brought up being told repeatedly how important it is to speak well. We hold in esteem those who speak well. (And don't we think there is something wrong with the quieter boys or girls in class?) We pay attention to the art of public speaking, and have all heard about it. Some of us may even have enrolled for courses on public speaking, or would like to? Many have joined clubs that promote effective public speaking. Heard of the Toastmasters?
Debating is often seen as a contest of who can speak better. Have you ever considered that the better debater is the one who listens better, and therefore can rebut more to the point? No?
As a result of social and educational conditioning, what's often missing in our communication skills is the listening.
Whoever have heard of the Art of Public (or Private) Listening? Would you sign up for that course?
(ok, ok, this may not apply to you. Let's just say I'm speaking in general, about the majority of people. So, don't shut down on me just yet.)
Thinking generally, don't we tend to use our mouths to speak a lot more than we use our ears to listen?
You must have heard the rather common and frequent admonition, "Why do you think we have two ears and one mouth?"
Well, if only we'd listen more and speak less ...
There'd be a lot less misunderstanding among people and nations and a lot more understanding. Now, hang on ... do you realized that we often speak of misunderstanding at work, among friends, at home. How often do we speak of "understanding" at work, at home or at play?
A lot of this lack of listening, relative to speaking, has to do with society, our conditioning and education. Almost all of us are brought up being told repeatedly how important it is to speak well. We hold in esteem those who speak well. (And don't we think there is something wrong with the quieter boys or girls in class?) We pay attention to the art of public speaking, and have all heard about it. Some of us may even have enrolled for courses on public speaking, or would like to? Many have joined clubs that promote effective public speaking. Heard of the Toastmasters?
Debating is often seen as a contest of who can speak better. Have you ever considered that the better debater is the one who listens better, and therefore can rebut more to the point? No?
As a result of social and educational conditioning, what's often missing in our communication skills is the listening.
Whoever have heard of the Art of Public (or Private) Listening? Would you sign up for that course?
Monday, June 26, 2006
Making a difference in the "hi & bye" world
Two Sundays ago, after church, at one of the high-traffic escalators in busy busy Suntec City, I came across an ex-colleague from my newspaper years (1986-89). We remember each other well, spoke for a few minutes, exchanged contacts and agreed to stay in touch.
A few days later, I followed up with an email, suggesting "kopi or teh?" because I wanted to find out more about her part-time job, getting paid to edit travel stories.
She replied today, suggesting a time, a day and a place to meet.
Her opening remark though made me think and "blog": "Hi Eng Hai, real glad to hear from you. I thought it is one of those where the hi and goodbye ended at Suntec ..."
We do live in a "Hi and Bye" world, where we often talk about catching up over lunch or coffee but almost just as often fail to do so.
I'm sure the failure to follow up with those lunches we often talk about on the fly is not for lack of sincerity. Most likely, it is due to a disease (read dis-ease) of a lack of time - often real, but sometimes imagined, in which case, the fundamental issue may simply be a clash of priorities, where non-core relationships get neglected. That, refers to most relationships with the thousands of people each of us know.
I must admit that if not for the business that I do, I would likely suffer from the same disease too. It wasn't that many years ago that I was living and operating under the "hi and bye" syndrome.
So, am I glad that I am in the business of meeting people ... finding out as much as I can, and as they'd let me, about them; then helping them get whatever it is that they're looking for - either by suggestion, connection or action; and where I discover a good fit between what they're looking for and what I have to offer personally, well, I'll make them an offer and invite them to consider.
Only yesterday, I was at it again - going beyond hi and bye. After a catch-up lunch with one of my business partners in the financial district, I walked past two familiar faces seated at a sidewalk cafe. In the past, I'd have taken a mental note and walked on. Yesterday, I turned back, said hello, and took a seat in between them when invited to do so.
One of them asked if I have time for a chat. I said, "Sure, I'm my own boss, working at my own time and for my own target." And she said: "How nice. We're still only employees, working according to other people's time and targets...." Incidentaly, these two happen to be friends from my journalist days too.
Later, after a good chat, finding out the latest from each other - from work to family, ane exchanging contact cards, we shook hands, parted company and on the way to the MRT, I was tapped on the shoulder by somebody whom I had said hi and bye to only last week - but only because she was coming out of the train to go to work, and I was stepping in to go somewhere else.
This time, I offered to walk her back to her office, and she agreed. We enjoyed a good long chat. She's just happily become a grandmother, enjoying the newborn grandson in Sydney from afar, with the powers of the Internet - at least until she visits in September. At 59, having wrestled with the troubles of being diabetic for years, and living with a husband who stopped working years ago because of mental depression, she's philosophical about life, talking nonchalantly about death and disease. She's working 5-hour workdays because she needs the money for her modest lifestyle and her second mortgage. I've known this charming, energetic lady since my newspaper days too, when she was a valuable news source, and I a rookie reporter out to make a name for myself in the world. I was even happier to listen to her yesterday, in our new capacities, until in the end, she had to excuse herself. "Hey, I better run, or we'd go on and on."
It feels real good to have the time for people, to really hear them out, especially in a world where people are generally too busy for each other, and have little time beyond the hi's and the bye's. It feels even better to know that eventually, I will get paid for that ability to listen to people, for that is now my vocation, my lifestyle, for life.
Back to the ex-colleague whom I met at the Suntec City escalator. I look forward to meeting her because in her brief email, I get that she's looking for advice and I may be able to make a contribution.
"Maybe you can help me plan my retirement with the pittance I am getting each month. I need to save up to book myself into an old folks home!"
In my reply, I said: "Perhaps, when we meet, I can really help you with your retirement planning. I believe we can do better than prepare to end up in an old folks' home, unless that's what you really want ;-> See you next week!"
A few days later, I followed up with an email, suggesting "kopi or teh?" because I wanted to find out more about her part-time job, getting paid to edit travel stories.
She replied today, suggesting a time, a day and a place to meet.
Her opening remark though made me think and "blog": "Hi Eng Hai, real glad to hear from you. I thought it is one of those where the hi and goodbye ended at Suntec ..."
We do live in a "Hi and Bye" world, where we often talk about catching up over lunch or coffee but almost just as often fail to do so.
I'm sure the failure to follow up with those lunches we often talk about on the fly is not for lack of sincerity. Most likely, it is due to a disease (read dis-ease) of a lack of time - often real, but sometimes imagined, in which case, the fundamental issue may simply be a clash of priorities, where non-core relationships get neglected. That, refers to most relationships with the thousands of people each of us know.
I must admit that if not for the business that I do, I would likely suffer from the same disease too. It wasn't that many years ago that I was living and operating under the "hi and bye" syndrome.
So, am I glad that I am in the business of meeting people ... finding out as much as I can, and as they'd let me, about them; then helping them get whatever it is that they're looking for - either by suggestion, connection or action; and where I discover a good fit between what they're looking for and what I have to offer personally, well, I'll make them an offer and invite them to consider.
Only yesterday, I was at it again - going beyond hi and bye. After a catch-up lunch with one of my business partners in the financial district, I walked past two familiar faces seated at a sidewalk cafe. In the past, I'd have taken a mental note and walked on. Yesterday, I turned back, said hello, and took a seat in between them when invited to do so.
One of them asked if I have time for a chat. I said, "Sure, I'm my own boss, working at my own time and for my own target." And she said: "How nice. We're still only employees, working according to other people's time and targets...." Incidentaly, these two happen to be friends from my journalist days too.
Later, after a good chat, finding out the latest from each other - from work to family, ane exchanging contact cards, we shook hands, parted company and on the way to the MRT, I was tapped on the shoulder by somebody whom I had said hi and bye to only last week - but only because she was coming out of the train to go to work, and I was stepping in to go somewhere else.
This time, I offered to walk her back to her office, and she agreed. We enjoyed a good long chat. She's just happily become a grandmother, enjoying the newborn grandson in Sydney from afar, with the powers of the Internet - at least until she visits in September. At 59, having wrestled with the troubles of being diabetic for years, and living with a husband who stopped working years ago because of mental depression, she's philosophical about life, talking nonchalantly about death and disease. She's working 5-hour workdays because she needs the money for her modest lifestyle and her second mortgage. I've known this charming, energetic lady since my newspaper days too, when she was a valuable news source, and I a rookie reporter out to make a name for myself in the world. I was even happier to listen to her yesterday, in our new capacities, until in the end, she had to excuse herself. "Hey, I better run, or we'd go on and on."
It feels real good to have the time for people, to really hear them out, especially in a world where people are generally too busy for each other, and have little time beyond the hi's and the bye's. It feels even better to know that eventually, I will get paid for that ability to listen to people, for that is now my vocation, my lifestyle, for life.
Back to the ex-colleague whom I met at the Suntec City escalator. I look forward to meeting her because in her brief email, I get that she's looking for advice and I may be able to make a contribution.
"Maybe you can help me plan my retirement with the pittance I am getting each month. I need to save up to book myself into an old folks home!"
In my reply, I said: "Perhaps, when we meet, I can really help you with your retirement planning. I believe we can do better than prepare to end up in an old folks' home, unless that's what you really want ;-> See you next week!"
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