"Listen with Grace, without judgment"

At my weekly coaching session today, I received a powerful lesson that is useful for every day living, from my Coach, delivered through his anointed servant, Pastor Joseph Prince of New Creation Church. I believe you'll find this lesson in listening as useful as I do, be it for the purpose of parenting or for supervising people whom we are responsible for or mentoring our students or apprentices.

The good pastor said that while we may preach and believe in Grace, we may sometimes (or even often) fall short of practising what we preach when dealing with people in our inner circle.

Do we as parents of our children, or seniors/supervisors of our staff, or a leader of our people sometimes lapse into offering advice, offering a way out of a problem, sermonising, lecturing or preaching? When all we needed to do, and should do, was to "listen with Grace and without judgment".

When dealing with children, do we tend to be too quick to advise on the do's and dont's when presented with a problem. Worse, do we try to minimize the emotional hurt or physical pain that they may be going through, in the misguided belief that making light of what they're going through help them overcome a stressful situation.

Why not just listen? And listen with not just ears but also eyes. Yes, look at them, make eye contact, when they're trying to tell you something (good or bad) that's happened to them during the day - don't listen with eyes transfixed on your work or the TV!

Empathize. Don't just know what they feel; feel what they feel. Feel with them what they're feeling. Accept their feelings - do not deny them their feelings e.g. by saying "Oh, you shouldn't feel this way" or "Oh, don't cry. It's not that bad."

Sufferings, pains or hurts of childhood are part and parcel of all that build up character. Do not rob your children of the learning experience by being too quick to go to their rescue or advise them what to do about it. Let the child figure things out; work out what they ought to do about their situations. When we help the children to feel right, we can be confident that they will behave right.

Another area where we should learn to act with Grace is when we're dealing with a misunderstanding. What do we do when there is a misunderstanding and someone gets angry and speak to us out of that anger?

If someone curses you, and you curse them back, there is no grace in that. If someone curses you, and you bless them instead; that's grace! If we were to give back what we think people deserve, that grieves the Holy Spirit. Why not respond by offering undeserved favour? That's Grace defined!

Relevant biblical verses

Ephesians 4:23-32

And be renewed in the spirit of your mind;

And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.

Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.

Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down on your wrath.

Neither give place to the devil.

Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth.

Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister to the hearers.

And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.

Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:

And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

Let's Be Blessed by His Word!

Thinking Big: Time out for charity

On Saturday, 3rd November 2007, just over 10 of us in The 5E Network, with a few accompanied by little ones, took time out to do something we've not done since school days, something still currently associated with school kids rather than grown-ups or middle-aged adults.

Canvassing for donations from the public in the streets for a charity. In this case, Life Community Services Society of 681, Hougang Avenue 8, a charity which runs a mentoring or befrienders programme for some 100 children of prisoners and a bursary for needy students.

Doing this Flag Day with Life Community Services is the first official act in our earlier decision by our network to adopt the charity. We are not helping out on a once-off hit-and-run basis. A charity often needs not only money but also manpower to run their programmes (in this case, trained volunteer befrienders) and brainpower (e.g. setting aside time to think up new ideas to raise funds or meaningful activities for those under care).

Incidentally, the charity was especially interested in adult canvassers like ourselves, believing that adults tend to do better and collect fuller donation pouches than school children. (And yes, it is pouches nowadays, no more the clanging tin cans.)

The one dozen of us had a good time, from 11am to 3pm, trying to fill up our pouches and finish giving away the donor's stickers. My partner Amy Toh said we should do this again, and put all new business apprentices through such activities periodically.

Why? The exercise, she says, is good training in approaching strangers, speaking up clearly so as to be understood, accepted and get things done, braving rejections and trying again and again, and disciplining ourselves to finish a job, whether or not we feel up to it or tired in the legs.

I found myself, with my gamely 6-year-old boy, standing by a pedestrian walkway, calling out to almost everyone passing by: "Hello! Help us help some children. Children of prisoners. Any little donation will be nice ... Thank you". Jia Wei would simply stick out his hands with the collection pouch hanging from his fingers. On a few occasions, when I get curious glances, I'd feel it necessary to say: "This ... is my son. He's helping me help those children." It's my way of clarifying, "No, he is no child of a prisoner and I am no ex-convict!" ;)

Having executed this first act of helping out with Life Community's Flag Day, we'd be exploring with the charity what else we can do and how else we can help.

The thinking behind our adopting the charity is that people-centred and people-oriented business groups such as ours ought to be big (as in big hearted) enough to set aside time and energy, if not money, for worthy social causes.

We can come together to build our business for personal profit; we can also come together from time to time to help others, people who are helpless, without profit.

That, we think, is a mark of success, a sign of one having arrived, and a characteristic of people of substance.

To all my partners who took time out to be involved in this little project, congratulations on your good show and thank you for the fun.