Tan Yoke Lane @ Dan Yoke Lin (1939 - 1989) IS my late mom - a great woman, and mother of eight, who died too young, at the age of 50, long before she had the chance to enjoy the fully-grown fruits of her labour of love.
I remember getting a phone call from my elder brother in 1986, shortly before she was due to arrive in Singapore with my dad to witness my graduation from the National University of Singapore. Eng Hooi said, "Hai, bad news. Mom's got the Big C." It was nose or nasal cancer.
She battled the cancer for 3 years and in the end, despite chemotherapy at the Penang Medical Centre, succumbed. The cancer returned after a short remission, and quickly spread to her lungs.
I remember getting news of mom's death in September 1989. I was then a dealer-in-waiting at the stockbrokers JM Sassoon & Co. I was just starting out on a second career that turned out to be financially rewarding and that lasted 13 years. But mom didn't get to see or enjoy that success of mine, a success in which she had a big hand and which she'd have been proud of.
The best holiday I could afford to give her was a holiday in Bangkok, in July 1988, with dad, one of my sisters and my then girlfriend Chris. The only luxury I could afford then was a First Class train ticket, the one with sleeping berths, on the overnight train from our hometown Butterworth to Bangkok. I am glad we managed to do at least that.
Mom wanted to have grand children to hold, and said so, many times. The best I could do was to get married in January 1989, and shortly after, arranged for her to visit Chris and me and bless our new home, our own home, in Singapore. I wanted to bring her to places, but I remember, she was generally too weak to even catch glimpses of the sights I wanted to share with her, let alone enjoy the moment. But I am glad we tried, and have beautiful photos of those precious last days. Yes, that was the last time I saw her alive ...
Recently, as I reflected upon my recent triumphs and success as a business builder working in partnership with the wellness company, Unicity International, I couldn't help thinking about mom.
I remember when I first set out on my entrepreneurial journey in Unicity, I had resolved that when I am successful, I will either put up a building in her name or have a road named after her, and simply named Tan Yoke Lane. There shall be a plaque that tells the story of an indomitable spirit whom I believe will inspire many as it continues to inspire me, I thought.
Then, recently, I thought, why wait for that building or that road? I can very well dedicate my success todate and my success to come to her, and start telling people about her. And so I did - when I was given the opportunity to share my success story in Singapore and in Kuala Lumpur last week.
Mom's life spoke of a readiness to break out of the tried and tested and keep exploring and employing new ways of getting the better life.
I remember the love story of my mom and dad, how they met in my grandmother's coffeeshop in Kuala Lumpur. She was sewing when he walked up to chat her up. She poked him with a needle, and then regretted it when his finger bled. So, she nursed and bandaged the young man's finger. Love grew out of that encounter. Later, she'd eloped with dad to Penang because her parents did not approve of her getting married to a mere lorry driver.
For many years after that, mom would return to KL every year, bringing us, the kids, along, and doing everything to make sure that her parents knew that she had made the right decision and was living a better life. She would return to KL bearing gifts and food that testified to that.
Mom and dad were to raise a family with eight children, the first of whom died young at 7 and whom she would always want us to remember. The eldest of the 7 surviving siblings is today 50 and the youngest, 35. To do this well under the watchful eyes and critical tongues of many highly-opinionated in-laws, mom reinvented herself many times.
Mom went from being a laundry woman and seamstress to a baker, learning how to make the full range of local or Nyonya "kuihs" or cakes from my Peranakan sarong kebaya-clad grandma. Mom was good at them all - from the laborious ningao (sweet cake) to the angkukuih, kuih kapik (love letters), kuih talam ... You name it, she could do it, and did it famously well. We'd be inundated with orders every Chinese Year and on festive occasions. She also headed a tontine, or informal community lending and borrowing club, where people with excess money would lend to those with cashflow problems at interest rates of up to 20% or more. Our hometown would from time to time be abuzz with bad news of a tontine leader who ran off with people's money. But mom was a beacon of strength, integrity and trustworthiness. She never suffered a run even in the worst of times.
At the height of her constantly evolving and ever-changing economic career, mom was a chef par excellence. Her cooking was well known and in great demand. I remember how a customer bought her a return air ticket to get her to KL to cook for a wedding dinner. With just one big wok and a set of cooking utensils, mom set off for the airport and flew to KL to whip up an 8-course dinner for 300 people or 30 tables. She'd normally be assisted by no more than two assistant cooks and two dishwashers, the dishwashers being none other than the elder of my three then-still-young sisters.
After every such successful outing, we would witness the arrival of a new TV, or a new refrigerator or a new hi-fi system. Mom was the reason why we were able to move from the ancestral home (kong chu) in Butterworth to a government-built terrace house (a place we could call our own, and in which relatives have no say or claim) in Seberang Jaya in 1981. Mom was the reason why the family was able to upgrade from the bicycle as a means of transport to a car about the same time as the big move.
Where was my dad in all this? After his early days as a lorry driver, dad held a job at the local bus company, moving up from driver cum conductor on the Butterworth-Alor Star route to station master in Bukit Mertajam. He worked in the same company, as long as I was aware, until he retired. His highest salary was just over RM600. Even then when money was worth more, that sum could not provide for much.
Dad, now 78 and healthy, was into current affairs (I know for I'd listen to him talk expertly about the news or politics of the day) and was once an active trade unionist. But he was never ambitious, economically speaking. Nonetheless, dad was a good man who never did anything wrong, nothing that the family would be ashamed of, and he remains so. We love and respect him for that.
The picture I have is that dad would give no trouble, but apparently, he wasn't comfortable handling trouble either. Mom once told me, if there was any problem at home, financial or otherwise, she'd have to bear it alone. Dad would not be around to hear about it, and if he did, he wouldn't have the patience for the details.
So, there you are - a story of a Hainanese woman married into a "foreign" Hokkien-speaking territory, who'd have to single-handedly do, and bear, whatever it took to first, make sure her earlier decisions in life turned out right, and second, to get for herself and her family all the amenities and trappings of the good life.
It was mom who after a well-deserved holiday and tour of Singapore returned to tell me how beautiful and inspiring the Nanyang University campus was, and how I should study hard so that I'd get to a university like that one day. It was mom who many years later would put together all the financial resources necessary, including borrowing from close trusted friends, so that I could get higher education in Singapore. I did get to Nantah when it was just a hostel for NUS students and enjoyed the campus grounds mom had told me about.
Now, so much later in life, 20 years after her passing, I look back and have so much to be thankful for. Much of my being, my character, obviously draws upon my mom's inspired life - my tenacity and toughness in the face of challenges or obstacles; my preparedness to take charge or take the lead when situations demand it; my readiness to reinvent myself career-wise to ensure my family's economic well-being. While well-meaning people would ask, why did you give up your stockbroking career and go into something so different, I think nothing of it. I am adaptable, and can change according to circumstances, thanks to mom's example.
If I had to come up with one word to remember her by, the best word would be INDOMITABLE. That means: Unyielding, unswerving, unwavering, unconquerable, unflinching, unbeatable, irrepressible, unstoppable, invincible, resolute, determined, stubbornly persistent, steadfast, staunch, untiring, tireless, unflagging, undaunted, fearless, brave, courageous, plucky ... Yes, she was all that :)
It's a great pity mom is not alive today to listen to me talk proudly of her and boast about her life exploits in public. There is nothing I or anyone can do about that. She is gone. However, there is something I can do about the fact that she lived and loved - to tell her story so that others may be inspired by her as I have been and continue to be.
What's in this story for you?
1. Live life flexibly: Be prepared to get out of your comfort zone to go after what matters most to you; and when and where necessary, be ready to reinvent yourself so as to make life better for yourself and your family.
2. Don't take it all on alone if you can help it: While willing to change according to circumstances, do not run your life like a one-man or one-woman show, if you can help it. Given the choices of her times, my mom couldn't help being Superwoman. But today, with the opening up of the economy, and the abundance of opportunities with many people-friendly economic alternatives, we certainly can help it.
3. Watch the stress level in your life: The stress of raising a whole family all by yourself can kill. I often say: While conventional wisdom says "smoking causes cancer", dad was the one who smoked cigarettes (though no longer, for many years now) but it is my mom who died of cancer. The lesson in my mom's life story is that we ought to watch the stress level. More than anything else, I believe, it is stress - be it emotional, physical, mental or economic or all of that combined - that weakens the body and undermines our ability to ward off free radicals and harmful virus, germs or toxins.
4. Do not fight cancer with only conventional treatment: When my mom was in the midst of fighting cancer, a cousin sister once asked me, "Hai, so how? What else are you going to do about it?" I remember feeling guilty and helpless at the same time, wishing there was more I could do than just pooling our financial resources to finance the medical treatment.
I wish I was as well-informed then as I am today. Alas, we can't turn back the clock. What I can do is to make sure that my mom did not live, suffer and die in vain. What I will do now is to speak with a vengeance, telling people that we can prevent cancer, and in the unfortunate situation when it is past prevention, and someone is already afflicted, we can still give him or her real hope beyond the debilitating effects of conventional treatment.
To break the remission and relapse cycle, be open to using nutritonal supplements to boost the body's defences against free radicals and also to oxygenate and alkalinize the body. During my mom's fight, Unicity or its predecessor company, Enrich, hadn't even arrived in Malaysia. Unicity is here now, ready to serve with a wide array of health-boosting wellness products, proven capable of bringing cancer patients from hopelessness or near death to a new lease of life. I personally know of a few of these blessed people and have often used this to encourage others in the fight against cancer.
Go on. My mom didn't have the chance to live a long healthy life, free of the scourge and curse of cancer. You have. My mom didn't have the chance to make life better without having to do everything by herself and taking on all the stress of making ends meet by herself. You have.
Do something about it. I have, and I am.
All this I do and speak in the memory of my beloved mom.
Thank you Mom. I love you.
